Conflicts occur
frequently and naturally in any situation involving multiple people. When
people deal with other people there is some level of relationship in the path
to achieving one’s goals. Potentially,
this relationship causes conflict. The level of conflict usually relates
directly to the amount of interdependence and the passion that each player
holds on their own beliefs. Because conflict is inevitable, people should train
themselves to handle conflicts, especially to handle conflict in a way that
does NOT escalate the conflict.
Most people continuously
make the same catastrophic mistakes when dealing with personal or professional
conflicts. Natural conflict behavior aligns with basic human tendencies to
repeat the same mistakes. Conflicts can open us up to irrational or emotional decisions
and actions, so conflict handling becomes conflict mishandling.
We will always
face conflict. The key is to be aware of
and change our decisions and behavior during a conflict. Our irrational side
can subtly take over and distort our thinking. This leads to, once again,
repeating past mistakes.
Through many
years of training and consulting concerning conflicts and negotiations, I've detected
a trend for these common mistakes. Learning from these detrimental mistakes
will help you to better deal with your daily conflicts.
Answer back
Don’t feel
threatened when your beliefs are challenged, don’t succumb to the ‘answer back’
syndrome. What did you do or think the last time you were involved in conflict?
When your point of view was threatened or contradicted, what was your reaction,
your natural human reaction? You may have felt compelled to ‘answer back’ or
defend your view. Someone has done or said something that contradicted your viewpoint
and defense is your mechanism. Stop the cycle, and handle this in a better way.
The other party will react to your reaction, nip it in the bud. Knowing we have
this urge to answer back is an important step, but not enough. You will need to
do more with this awareness and take action to grow your restraint for answering
back. This is where life’s lessons come into play. You must remember the
consequences you have paid in the past for this answering back habit. It’s a
simple method of thinking before acting or speaking. You will soon be motivated
to refrain from taking too swift of actions in defending your point of view.
Create yourself
a 'support group'.
Another trap
people get caught up in once in a conflict retaliation cycle is to invite
others in for support. People call their friends to share the story which
usually starts out something like. ‘You won’t believe the gall of some people’.
We get a false sense of comfort and righteousness as our friends are inclined
to support our point of view – sympathize with us – taking our accountability
and responsibility away. Without taking responsibility, whether it's indeed the
other side's fault or that you have just a little bit to do with the outbreak
of the conflict, things are at a standstill, each side waiting for the other to
take the initiative.
How to (better)
handle the conflict? The suggestion is not to refrain from social engagement or
to stop seeking encouragement from family and friends, it's the quest for
consent that you should elude. Ask for the help to keep a laser focus on your
goals rather than to simply and blindly support your point of view. Ask for
their support in a more positive way, where they can show empathy without
blindly supporting your point of view. This method allows you the support you
desire, while not creating more damage.
Losing sight
of personal goals
The mixture of
answering back and creating your support can result in losing sight of the
original personal goals. The conflict gains momentum due to the attention
you're feeding it and, because you focus your attention on the conflict, losing
sight of your personal goals in eminent. The irony is that people involved in a
conflict believe that their behavior is on track to achieve their goals but that
behavior is usually sabotaging them.
How to (better)
handle the conflict? In order to keep yourself focused on your own goals you
need not only to learn these new habits but also to learn how to correctly define
your goals. For example, any goal articulated as a 'how' in not a goal but a
mean to an end. The result is the goal, the ‘how’ is the method. For more clarification, you are welcome to
read my book The
I Win Negotiation & Conflict Approach. Goal setting it's one of the
most important conflict management skills.
Clinging to
'I'm right – he/she is wrong' perception
Recall the last
conflict you were involved in. You'll notice that if the conflict stayed active
for enough, even a matter of minutes, you've slid into the blame game or an
'it's his/her fault' perception. This self conviction is strengthened by your
support group who tends to accept your point of view as true, or at the least
take your side. The more you feel you're right and the other side is wrong, the
more trapped you are because a sacrifice state of mind. That is where you end
up when you don’t take accountability and transfer the responsibility to
someone else. A sacrifice state of mind eradicates consequential thinking as
you can't take action when you're waiting for the other side to do the first
more... Without Consequential thinking no correct or positive action is
possible so you are left with your righteousness while all goals lose focus.
How to (better)
handle the conflict? When you find yourself on the brink of already in an
accusing state of mind, stop to assess your goals. Your goals will serve as a beacon
to guide you along your path and will enable you to correct your course of
action. One that will take you to your desired goals. As i've said before,
correct goal setting is an essential conflict management skill.
Refraining
from acquiring conflict resolution skills
A research
study from about 20 years ago revealed
that managers spend about 42% of their working time dealing with conflict. I
believe this number represents the same trend today. If you have a child living
in your household, you may notice the similarity between managers and parents
with respect to the amount of time you spend dealing with conflict.
Even if the
research numbers appear bloated, and we estimate only 20% of our time manageing
conflict, it's still a L-O-T of time spent on conflict. The object we must
learn how to better deal with. It is a part of life that does not need to be
negative.
How to (better)
handle the conflict? Most people won't take the initiative to attend conflict
resolution training. Why? People, and that's the choice by default, tend to
avoid conflict and confrontation. The cost of conflict, in both the personal
and professional lives, is grave if not handled with your goals in mind.
Conflicts do not disappear on their own, they can fester if voided, explode if mishandled.
Reading this
post and simply agreeing will keep you well in your comfort zone, while taking responsibility
and action will set you back on course. Begin by using any of the above suggestions
– Take it upon yourself to implement positive change. You will be more likely
to reach your goals you will find that it is well worth the effort.
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